It’s a Mayan Friday.
And you’ve been a year 2012.
I think about writing a letter to my 30 year old self. I think about what I’d say to her – to prepare her for her year journeying through 2012 towards 2013 and then I think, better not. She would have just wailed and moaned and lolled around on the floor making a mess of her hair and dress.
I was 13 when I first learned of the Mayans & their predictions – and the end of them. Now I know – all you naysayers, all you folks who will talk about how our calenders are off and that crazy religious fuzzy wuzzys have been predicting the end of time – for all of time, but this one got me. 13 year old me thought – well, I’ll be married (to a man) and with a little toddler by then. I will just have started living my dream life! There will be a fancy gentlewoman’s farm with ducks and stuff (I don’t know I was 13). My best friend will of course live on the next fancy farm over & I will be beautiful, though a tad old (again -13) and surrounded by such lovely things – and then – it will all end in Mayan Ball O Flame Style. My poor toddler, not even out of diapers, what a way to go.
I know. The day, it’s going to come – and go, and the sun will rise on the 22nd and we’ll keep going. I’ll keep going, but the journey to 122112 has changed me.
Instead of a letter of prepare-ment I think I’d like to have come to 30-year-old-me in a dream. I would like to have held her, rocked her, and whispered words of bolstering forgiveness. I would like to have said, you won’t be ok for a while, and you’ll start to feel better when you realize there’s actually been a dull buzzing ache and twitch for a long time. As soon as you meet it, your legs will stop keeping you up at night. No more need for 2 am walks.
You will lose it all.
You will gain yourself.
I’d say don’t fight it. But you’ll fight it. That’s ok too.
You’re gonna lean girl – you’re gonna lean hard. On people you told to stay home. They won’t. They’ll love you because they still believe that under all your damage and fight, you remain. You are worth that. People believing in you. There won’t be many. But the few that there are will feel like immeasurable wealth.
The folks with judgement – fuck ’em. It’s ok to be mad as hell at them. Then let it go. You’ve been full of judgement too.
And you’ve been wrong. And some of those folks you were wrong about, you’ll get to love right. Look at differently. You won’t hang your head in shame of your wrongness, you’ll gaze at them with softness and gratitude. And hope – such hope – Because there is no more beautiful a thing, than to have been wrong about someone. To have been wrong about yourself, and to be able -to grow on.
This is lovely. I know what you mean. I don’t usually believe predictions like this but since I learned of this one I had a feeling something would happen. At first it worried me but recently I felt as if it had the possibly of being a good change (and not necessarily the end of the world) Anyway, I guess it was all for not. Thanks for the beautiful post. Happy holidays!
So, I am way behind on my UA readin’, but I think that maybe I was supposed to read THIS *today*. One mighty fine meditation for the next trip around the sun. Thank you, sister love.