In the mess of me. I’m learning what I really need. And it isn’t at all what I thought it’d be.
The breeze of Laurel Ridge finding me again across highways down hills over ridges. The hand of God. Telling me it sees me fully. Whether or not I’m worthy of anything else. I’m worthy of being seen.
Days of overalls and dogs eating shit to throw it up all over the living room floor.
So many photos. Capturing right now. That now is a good time to capture.
Tangled hair and angry skin.
Losing it all.
Seeing a horizon where I fight like hell for every bit of my life. That sometimes fighting is opening up the chest and letting all the crows fly away. Taking the rot with them.
Learning words like Good and Bad and Appropriate can go to hell.
I need to disappoint. It’s a new practice.
In my world right now there are old boots. a skirt that buttons back to get out of the way. A soft shirt that has sleeves rolled up so the muck isn’t an issue and a sturdy wax rain jacket with deep pockets that make it okay if I get lost in a thunder storm.
In the mess I’m not ok. In the mess it’s ok to be that way. In the mess I’ve lost everything I thought I knew. Lost friends lost a wife lost the compass lost serenity lost hope lost plans lost dreams lost my proclamations lost righteousness lost righteousness lost right lost wrong -sometimes-
In the face of that the bit I’ve gained seems so small. But I’ve also lost the notion that I can save you from your discovery. And that took a third of a lifetime to learn.
Every day I lose the notion that I know where I’m going. And that I know the right way to get there.
Sometimes – we lose our still point.
This is me -without mine.
And no love
can give me an anchor
I am waiting for my anchor to unlock from whatever room it’s in inside of me and lower itself
Friend, your anchor will unlock itself. Who knows when or where, but it will. It’s there. Paused. Waiting for the moment that you’re ready. That you’re really ready. Thinking of you. Sending you strength and a hug from afar. And, you might not think so right now, but I think you’re amazing! I am in awe of your vision and your kick-ass ness. xo