This week and next week are a meditation in waiting for me. My sweet Vega dog has a worrisome lump on her cheek with some confusing cells found in it and we’re going through the motions of figuring it out. But for right now I’m waiting. Watching. Trying not to wring my hands. Trying not to make a plan For The Worse. I’m good at crisis. I know how to keen and keep moving. It’s a skill I’ve developed into an art.
but waiting? waiting isn’t my thing. I’d rather head down a track in the wrong direction than wait to see which way the train is coming. And I have to say I’m finding gratitude in this process. I really am. My heart sits on the edge of slightly breaking while my head takes deep breaths. She’s only 5. And if it ends up being something. That thing is incurable. That thing is goodbye.
It’s making me think about how often we run into this very challenge. Desperate heartache verses an immense wave of relief. How often I take daily things for granted. How I can pull away to distance the shock of raw pain. And how this time I’m sitting, reminding myself daily. I am choosing to be here.
In some ways, for the first time in my life – I like not knowing. It means I sit in a state of faith and sadness. And in that state Vega gets an egg for breakfast and I’m taking the time to really look at her. Love her. Thank her. Without saying goodbye. I’m doing a wobbly version of my momma’s healing touch. And while I’m not hoping for miracles – I’m still giving faith her due. I’m believing without extremism. I’m here.
And while we’re at it. Vega has a new dog bed that I refer to as “the mattress” because it’s huge. She’s always loved king sized beds and I used to say that the only extravagance I would really want if I became unbearably wealthy would be a room with a king-sized bed just for Vega. I think this thing was made for a mastiff but the Vega Dog is able to stretch her lanky body diagonally and groan her best happy noises. Under all her blankies.
Keep her in your prayers, your meditations or your daily thoughts.
Wishing the best for both of you.
Thank you Laf.
thinking about you and lighting a candle for the boodle.